Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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