I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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