Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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