I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
