Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
