Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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