Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
