I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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