***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
