i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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