she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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