I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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