even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
