you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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