This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
