I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Mom said you looked used
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
