I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
