I wish I could teleport
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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