Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
