I feel like abortions should bother me more
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
