I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
