I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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