If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
