You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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