ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
