One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
