just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
