I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
