I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just had sex on a roof
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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