and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
