Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
