Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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