Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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