He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
