My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
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i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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