why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
