He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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