i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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