I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
