My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
