I am puke
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
