It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
