My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
