Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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