T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Less talking, more tequila
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
