You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
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merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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