the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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