I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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