I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
