Already got asked if we're dating
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize