if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
