My underwear smells like fireworks.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just blew my weed a kiss
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
