i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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