Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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