i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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