There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
