I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
