my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
