Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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