I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
